Monday, June 27, 2011

courtney love on the inside

Once upon a time I dated a boy that sang in a hardcore band that lived far away. Let's call them Ill At Sea (IAS for brevity) We saw each other for a few months and things just weren't working out for me. I realized this very abruptly at a time when he was visiting and we had a talk about it. It didn't go well. He got pretty upset about it and that made me feel pretty uncomfortable. After all, we only dated for a few months. I'd just gotten out of a long term relationship and I was feeling really dazed and disconcerted and I confused an inclination to be a part of a unit as adoration/infatuation/etc. My bad. It happens to most of us. A "rebound". I'd say that by age 25 in 2011 most everyone has been on both sides of this situation. I'm diverging from my point, forgive me. He started demanding that I call him to "talk about things", when in my mind I had said everything that needed to be said. He would text me constantly. Long and hateful messages would fill both my text message and email inboxes. He wrote to my sister. He wrote to my best friend. He insisted that multiple pieces of writing/songs I'd completed after we broke it off were about him when they weren't. He got every mutual friend we had involved and slandered my name left and right. He made me feel worse about myself than I've ever felt in my adult life. He said the most shamelessly malicious things I've ever heard anyone say to another person (after 4 months of knowing one another). I eventually had no choice but to completely cut him off. Deleted his number, blocked all emails, etc. I moved on, dated a few others, forgot about him to an extent. I wrote a piece on this very blog about my friend...lets call her Karen...and how she had just written a piece about sexism in the punk community. I wrote another one about my thoughts and experiences on sexism in the punk community. This boy...singer of IAS decided that he should chime in. He decided that as a white male in a hardcore community(a subcommunity of punk and hardcore that alienates women more than most) AND as a grad student or whatever he should point out flaws in my argument, invalidate my experiences and essentially jerk off with pedantic jargon for 6 paragraphs with a weak argument and embarrassingly obvious (to me) ulterior motives. Just when I started to feel like a dialogue about this issue was really opening up, my (sort of) exboyfriend decides that he's going to pop up and drag down all of these compelling and positive essays with an irrelevant circle jerk of bullshit. Pretty fucked up. Pretty fucked up, indeed. I wrote my friend who runs the blog to tell him why the singer of IAS's submission was upsetting to me and he was totally cool about it. Other contributors were cool about it too. But just the fact that my real life experiences that I turned into a positive exposition could be brushed aside so easily by a slighted, hyper-masculine weiner is unnerving. It's almost a natural example of what I've been saying all along, but that in itself is totally disheartening.


  1. Well, this explains a lot! it IS totally fucked up and you're brave and awesome for telling this story.

  2. First off, I know which piece on sexism is being talked about here. When I read it I was left with an overwhelming sense that it was well written but highly counter productive. It is so disheartening to know even further that it was written with the typical male, "she fucked me over because she was honest to me," bullshit. The person who does I Live Sweat wrote a pretty good piece in response to that piece. Its better than a good response, it breaks down the argument in a well thought out educated manner. In the end it still sucks. I'm not comparing this to the struggle women deal with, but as a male who has read into and analyzed gender politics and queer politics, it sucks to know men who are trying to be supportive in anyway, get lumped in with assholes just trying to make sure dicks come out on top. I thank you and all the other women who have written for that blog.

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