Friday, July 15, 2011


I'm graduating to Tumblr! It isn't confusing to my brain anymore, I think I "get it" so follow me there!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

waxahatchee-american weekend

delta queen's tumblr posted a link to download my new full length so go download!

here are the lyrics!

crave, desolate, you dive in, we follow along
i contrive you with whiskey and sam cooke songs
and we lay on our backs, soaking wet
below a static tv set
conversation flows, counting shooting stars and catfish
but i'll never make a wish
barefoot, parking lot
getting high in portland, or
we echo 17 and we glue it back and poke fun
and it gets real quiet, i don't care
darting with moonshine, truth or dare
i say just what i'm thinking and secondguess instantly
and you laugh at me
we stick to our slow motion memory
its 1 in the morning and 90 degrees
and though now it is hovering darkly over me
it'll look just like heaven when i get up and leave
you're a ghost and i can't breathe

grass stain
i don't care
i'll embrace all of my vices
and we'll black it out
or atleast slow everything down
and i'll fish for compliments
and i'll drink until i'm happy
and i'll wonder what you're doing but i won't call
our paths split
its morning but i still feel it
and we skate around
why our intemperance feels so profound
and i let you in real slow
and i regret it immediately
and i run away so fast, you fall too deep too easily
i don't care
if i'm too young to be unhappy
or i recklessly impair
this newfangled proclivity
and i won't answer my phone
and i'll never leave my bedroom
and i'll avoid you like the plague because i can't give you what you want
i won't give you what you want

rose, 1956
sharp hangover, it is christmas eve
it fades and evaporates passing the trains and lakes and trees
your breaths are short and urgent and it is unsettling
you got married when you were 15
now i hide out from telephone wires at waxahatchee creek
your body, weak from smoke and tar and subsequent disease
you got married when you were 15
no miscalculation, each other's only living means
your arms wane thinner
your legs surrender
sunlight probing, it is christmas eve
no stitch of shade, we pass by lakes and big mimosa trees
your breaths are short and urgent and it is unsettling
you got married when you were 15

american weekend
i watch these projections of us
you're magnetic and i cannot keep up
and i feel as you move in real close
and i feel as your head arose
you're a figment
i believed it
i depart, your dog died today
and you drive all the way here to tell me i'm okay
and i left and i didn't say goodbye
and i ran all the way home in the gray moonlight
it's dark now but we made it that way
with what we drink and how we think and what we say
we degrade ourselves
and then expect help
its morning, we're still in the same place
we are diluted, we are the only ones awake
and you hold me like you do it everyday
i chase a graceful way to erase or to run away
we diverge and i collapse into my bed
and you are shoved awkwardly into my head
wage sleep to sleep in
american weekend

hands under my clothes
we can't let it go
you set it up masterfully
and then blame it all on me
cynicism smothering
implanted, blossoming in me
our fun is toxic and bold
embellished and oversold
embody me
because i am weak
i moved out
but i never opened my mouth
i never opened my mouth
it's late, i'm up on the roof
in new york, i hung up on you
i can't pay for the mistakes i made
so i'll just let this die and decay

be good
its unclear now, what we intend
we're alone in our own world
you don't wanna be my boyfriend
and i don't wanna be your girl
and that, that's a relief
we'll drink up our grief
and pine for summer
and we'll buy beer to shotgun
and we'll lay in the lawn
and we'll be good
now i'm laughing at my boredom
at my string of failed attempts
because you think that it's important
and i welcome the sentiment
and we talk on the phone at night
until its daylight
and i feel clever
and i hear the slow in your speech
yeah you're half asleep
say goodnight
now i've got friendships to mend
i'm selfishly dispossessed
you don't wanna be my boyfriend
and that's probably for the best
because that, that gets messy
and you will hurt me
or i'll disappear
so we will drink beer all day
and our guards will give way
and we'll be good

luminary blake
full moon, we see our breath in a blue glow
i follow you to the bar in the snow
and then we roll around in your sheets
and watch our habits become a routine
and we'll fall asleep eventually
and i'll move away, forget today someday
meditate, i expand on the floor
floating in pennies and microphone cords
repeat mistakes, you're easy to erase
and i abstain, ideal falls in to place
but luck will fail
and others will pale
and i'll think of you
and i'll think i tried it
or i will deny it
but it's not true
no one reminds me
that better won't find me
and i won't learn
tiger tiger
i play with fire
and i get burned

magic city wholesale
crowd stale, wholesale
we're on the porch and there's a keg and you are quiet
wind shifts, i drift
to autumn, i tell dom what i see
she laughs at me
blast beat, we retreat
and it's a lonely street, the burden of circumvention
but fractions like us
fill cities and flats and cul de sacs
so we yell over it and have a laugh
and its a laughable scenario
peripheral motion picture show
and i feel your eyes, and i stayed inside
but it wouldn't work so i soak up your vice
tonight's a blur
we meet
you scare me
see, i have met people from maine and athens, ga and montreal
and i'm dead, lips red
licking sugar, i smile at everyone
formulated fun

take my word for it, i'm not worth it
i ignored you all night and you don't deserve it
morning, bathtub, my skin soft and hot
i was sure you were right but you're not
i contemplate my ruined fate
someone will hurt me so bad one day
and you'll resonate or i'll apologize
or maybe i'll make the same mistake twice
i hide from phonecalls under the warm water
malice desists, no it woefully recurs
and it plays like daytime tv shows, i confuse you
and i tell you not to love me but i still kiss you when i want to
and i lament, you're innocent
but somehow the object of my discontent
and its fucked up, i let you in
even though i've seen what can happen
you make a tape, receive it in the mail
and i force myself busy, the diversion will prevail
and i will swallow all my guilt with little pills and forge my chin up
and i will only think about it in the morning, in the bathtub

i think i love you
its late
we are not awake
and i smashed my phone
i am learning how to be alone
resoundingly unpretty girl stares back at me
and i become what everyone's harboring from
and is it your fault?
no i think it's my fault
we digress
you're inhaling smoke, emotionless
somewhere on a map
unaware that i am falling flat
and you will hurt me
and i deserve it
it's late
you are not awake
and it's nothing
i want you so bad it's devouring me
and i think i love you
but you'll never find out

we'll make it real loud
4 years, we'll barely speak
and you've got a husband now
i have waxahatchee creek
and you used to come here with me
i need a heavy heart
allison's only calling me when her life's falling apart
so i pour it tall and talk to myself in my head alone
but it's really better until i learn how
to gracefully let someone in and back out
but i won't worry about it right now
say what you're thinking, i'm watching thoughts dance around in your head
you'll let me down easy or you'll beg for my empathy
your lips are moving, your mouth is so close to mine
i almost can taste your spit, pilsner brew and cigarettes
if it keeps up we'll run out of time
i'll write you letters and i'll write you songs
and you will be endlessly distracting and then
it falls flat onto paper again
you're in the carolinas and i'm going to new york
and i'll be much better there
or that's what i'm hoping for
and we will never speak again

Sunday, July 3, 2011

hearts//blast beats

I don't want to give too much away...but I'm working on a hiphop project with my friend Marlee. And I'm pretty fucking into it.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Everybody wants something and I have nothing to give today. Lately when I see couples on the subway the first thing that pops into my head is that someday they're going to breakup. They seem so happy and in love and someday they're going to totally hurt each other. Isn't that terrible?

Monday, June 27, 2011

courtney love on the inside

Once upon a time I dated a boy that sang in a hardcore band that lived far away. Let's call them Ill At Sea (IAS for brevity) We saw each other for a few months and things just weren't working out for me. I realized this very abruptly at a time when he was visiting and we had a talk about it. It didn't go well. He got pretty upset about it and that made me feel pretty uncomfortable. After all, we only dated for a few months. I'd just gotten out of a long term relationship and I was feeling really dazed and disconcerted and I confused an inclination to be a part of a unit as adoration/infatuation/etc. My bad. It happens to most of us. A "rebound". I'd say that by age 25 in 2011 most everyone has been on both sides of this situation. I'm diverging from my point, forgive me. He started demanding that I call him to "talk about things", when in my mind I had said everything that needed to be said. He would text me constantly. Long and hateful messages would fill both my text message and email inboxes. He wrote to my sister. He wrote to my best friend. He insisted that multiple pieces of writing/songs I'd completed after we broke it off were about him when they weren't. He got every mutual friend we had involved and slandered my name left and right. He made me feel worse about myself than I've ever felt in my adult life. He said the most shamelessly malicious things I've ever heard anyone say to another person (after 4 months of knowing one another). I eventually had no choice but to completely cut him off. Deleted his number, blocked all emails, etc. I moved on, dated a few others, forgot about him to an extent. I wrote a piece on this very blog about my friend...lets call her Karen...and how she had just written a piece about sexism in the punk community. I wrote another one about my thoughts and experiences on sexism in the punk community. This boy...singer of IAS decided that he should chime in. He decided that as a white male in a hardcore community(a subcommunity of punk and hardcore that alienates women more than most) AND as a grad student or whatever he should point out flaws in my argument, invalidate my experiences and essentially jerk off with pedantic jargon for 6 paragraphs with a weak argument and embarrassingly obvious (to me) ulterior motives. Just when I started to feel like a dialogue about this issue was really opening up, my (sort of) exboyfriend decides that he's going to pop up and drag down all of these compelling and positive essays with an irrelevant circle jerk of bullshit. Pretty fucked up. Pretty fucked up, indeed. I wrote my friend who runs the blog to tell him why the singer of IAS's submission was upsetting to me and he was totally cool about it. Other contributors were cool about it too. But just the fact that my real life experiences that I turned into a positive exposition could be brushed aside so easily by a slighted, hyper-masculine weiner is unnerving. It's almost a natural example of what I've been saying all along, but that in itself is totally disheartening.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sunday, June 19, 2011


concept of uninterrupted silence. i keep thinking about tripp's show that i missed last night. i keep thinking about how little sleep i'm running on. despite both of those things i feel really good. uninterrupted silence would be really nice though.